The topic of gender identification is definitely a controversial and therefore inherently interesting subject. The overall flow is fairly nice, although there are a few briefs points which can be left out, since they disrupt the flow. In particular, it appears that the points made about the one-child policy have no real correlation to the main subject of the paper. If you can find a way to tie this back into the topic of gender identification, then great, but if not, then it may be best to leave it out of the paper. There were several grammatical errors throughout the paper, which is understandable since this is simply a draft. These errors can be easily fixed by reading back through the paper (and through spellcheck). Also, i’m not sure if they were grammatical errors or not, but you used “gender” and “sex” interchangeably throughout the article, even though you defined them as being different early in the paper. Consistency is key! Additionally, there were a few points which are factually incorrect or do not make sense logically. For example, there is a claim about the sexes only differing by a chromosome, but one chromosome can have such an impact. Additionally, you claim that women “can’t throw, I can’t think straight, I can’t defend our country, I can’t play with the boys.” None of that is actually true, so I’m not sure if it is just an over exaggeration or something else. Regardless, it may be best to be more specific or leave this section out since it leads the reader to believe that you are not very knowledgeable about the topic. It would definitely be beneficial for you to bring up the other side of the argument and then attempt to dispute it, in order to give the reader the impression that you fully understand the topic. For example, you left out many important aspects of the sexes which differentiate males from females, such as testosterone and others.
This article is very well written and intriguing. There are only a few grammatical errors which can easily be fixed. I liked how you discovered a problem through experimentation and then proceeded to solve the problem, either through research or further experimentation. Additionally, it greatly helped that the topic is very interesting and somewhat relatable. Also, it is mysterious. Since many people do not know very much about dreams, and especially lucid dreaming, you picked a great topic to explore. Although I enjoyed reading the article, and you did a good job keeping the reader entertained, I felt as if you could have added a little more research. Rather than coming to a fairly vague conclusion, further research could help you to be more conclusive. I understand that you included plenty of bits and pieces of research throughout, but I felt as if I was left hanging as a reader. In order to solve this minor issue, there are several possible solutions. One of the most obvious one I can think of would be to develop an idea in the beginning which you are trying to solve or determine the validity of. There are other possible methods as well, but this way, when you get to the end you will be able to be fully encompassing by including a more well defined conclusion. Nonetheless, I thought the paper was very well written and I liked how you took a more personal approach to the article, which is much more relatable for the reader. Although the personal aspect is certainly nice, in addition to the aforementioned suggestion regarding research, it may also be beneficial if you add a few more formal sections. That is merely a suggestions though, since I believe that the paper is already very solid, but it could possibly benefit from more hard facts.
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