Emily’s Paper:
This essay used a great
combination of experience and facts. The
facts and outside information was interwoven very nicely. Also, the paragraphs were split up in a good
way which helped the essay to flow very nicely.
The only possible hindrance to the flow of the paper was the existence
of a few grammatical or spelling mistakes.
This can be fixed very easily though, so just be sure to read through
the paper again to correct these minor errors.
It appears that most of the errors exist because you are trying to be
very informal. It is nice that you are
informal so the paper is more relatable, but try to avoid these errors. I noticed that a majority of the outside
information is other peoples’ opinions, which is definitely valuable
information, but it may be a little more convincing if you could find a few more
numbers to back up the opinions. It may
be difficult because of the subject, but a few percentages (i.e. how many women
wear makeup) should help. At the end,
the conclusion (although interesting) is a bit vague and unrelated to the topic
and experiment which was written about.
Try instead to wrap up your discoveries and how the experiment has (or
has not) affected you and your daily life.
Quinn’s Paper:
This essay provides a great deal
of narrative which allows the reader to be connected closer to you (the
author). Although it was nice that you
had a lot of personal feelings and thoughts, I felt like there was not enough
useful outside information. The parts
about the giraffe and the Matis people were a bit humorous and lightened the
mood of the paper, which is nice. It may
help, though, if you were to add more outside or factual information to support
your arguments. The support that you do
include seems a bit vague and you refute it, so therefore it doesn’t support or
fit your argument very well at all. Throwing
in a few numbers or statistical facts should enhance your paper quite significantly. Another issue that I noticed in the paper was
that you seemed to jump around with no particular order or flow. This may be because your topic wasn’t very
well defined at the onset so it was difficult for me to follow. Therefore, the first step is likely to
clarify your topic/experiment and what you set out to determine or solve from
the beginning. Once you complete the
previously mentioned problems and correct minor grammatical errors, your final
paper will be solid.
Andrew’s Paper:
This rough draft is very well
written, with only a few grammatical errors and great flow thus far. The narrative which is used throughout the
introductory paragraph is very productive in lightening the mood and
encapsulating the reader. Without a
doubt, the comparisons and
descriptions in the first part of the draft are very beneficial for the
paper. It would be great if you could
continue this tone throughout the rest of the paper. You do a very good job transitioning into
your problem and what you are going to do to try and solve the issue. There is absolutely no question as to what
your problem is since you clearly define it, as well as showing it through the
narrative. Aside from the minor
grammatical or spelling mistakes, there were not any noticeable issues with the
rough draft. Once you finish writing the
rest of the paper, be sure to include outside information to help supplement
your paper. I liked how you included a
section about unexpected findings, as this will definitely help make your paper
better. Overall, I think this is set up
to be a very solid paper, especially if you can continue writing as you did in
the introduction.
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